I finished my epic undertaking of reading “Team of Rivals” a few months ago,it’s about Abraham Lincoln, and he was presented in a way that I had never herd before.

I really got consumed in this book. It traces Lincoln’s entire life, from growing up in a log cabin in Illinois to his assassination. What I really found unique was that we are always taught in high school history classes that Lincoln was one of our greatest Presidents but you never really know why. Yes, he was the President during the civil war and managed to lead us out of it ( a huge accomplishment in just that fact) but he was able to accomplish it within his term as President by utilizing and leading a group of men that really were spectacular and you never hear about it.
I remember the only thing I knew about William H Seward was that he was Lincoln’s Secretary of State who later endorsed buying Alaska, which was known in the press as “Seward’s Folly” which really wasn’t so much of a folly after all. I learned that Seward was a huge favorite to win the presidential election, yet Lincoln, the huge underdog came out as the winner. Lincoln’s first appointment was to make his former rival, Seward into his secretary of state. Which Seward accepted.

I know it seems like I’m going off topic, which I am but it illustrates how well Lincoln used the people around him. He know Seward was the best man for the job and chose him to be in his cabinet, despite the fact Seward had a strong case of loser’s jealousy, he accepted the offer. The two, however became friends over the years in the war,constantly bouncing ideas off of one another in the White House far into the night. Even though they became friends, they still differed on points of contest, yet were still the first person the other would come to for an opinion.

What I never knew was that the night that Lincoln was assassinated, someone went to assassinate Seward as well, and nearly succeeded. Seward had already been in bed because he had an accident getting out of a carriage or something and was recovering from that, when the assassin broke into the house, fought and nearly killed his son, and sliced Seward’s throat as he was helplessly confined to his bed. While the president died the next morning, Seward somehow hung in there. Those looking after him decided not to tell him that his friend and boss was murdered, as they feared it would damped his own will for survival. One day he was laying in bed, staring out the window, with his son in the room. He turned and informed him that he knew the President was dead. When asked how he knew, Seward said that he saw the flag at half mast and Lincoln would have come to see him by now.

I cant Imagine how great of a friendship those two must have had, for one to know that the other is gone, simply because he was not one of the first to check on him. I really found a lot of admirable qualities about both men, but I’ll leave a few more things about Seward (from Wikipedia).

On October 10, 1872, Seward died in his office in his home in Auburn, New York, after having difficulty breathing. His last words were to his children saying, “Love one another.”

His headstone reads, “He was faithful.”

I feel like if anyone nailed last words…that was it!

Lately it has become profoundly apparent to me that God didn’t make me to work in the IT world. Actually, to work in the indoor, behind a desk all day and stare a computer screen world (because that’s not just IT). It really seems to be more of a hobby than something that I actually love and get satisfaction from. Sure, I love helping people with their email crisis and making sure the backup tapes are running, but at the end of the day I wonder, if this is really the impact that God wants me to have in the world. I really feel that there is more exciting life out there for me that maybe I am just too scared to leave my life of comfort to embrace.
You can serve the Lord in different ways outside of work, and even doing everything to the glory of the Lord during the day, no matter how minute that act might be Brother Lawrence would say (the monk who was totally satisfied with doing dishes for God). While I believe that is doable for some people, I’ve really tried to keep that mindset at work for sometime actually, it just hasn’t stuck. I’ll get excited or really try to focus for a few hours, but after a while I just lose my train of thought.
Over the last few months I’ve grown frustrated with God over this and have been asking many questions. Why did he have me where I am when I feel like I am wasting time. Does he really want me here? If not, where would he want me? To be honest there really hasn’t been any resolution, but just a constant feeling that has been growing deeper, telling me that I need to move on. At first I took this as a realization that I’m not serving enough, I’ve continued with a new homeless ministry and signed up to Horizons for Homeless children. Both seem to just be falling through.
To be honest I feel pretty selfish, I’ve caught the American dream, I’ve been blessed in so many ways that others less fortunate haven’t been able to do. I’ve become the first member of the entire Worth family to graduate college. Here I am with a well paying job, that is flexible, a great work environment, wonderful co-workers, with plenty of opportunity and I am unhappy! I wonder if I should just suck it up, realize that I’ve met all my goals and continue on the 9-5 America life and be happy. Call me crazy but that doesn’t appeal. I feel God pulling me away, pushing me somewhere else and hes only getting more persistent, but there is no direction.
I was sitting in bed praying the other night and I just asked for direction. I feel like a weather vane in a tornado, turning in every direction, just trying to point north to God. I’ve always known what I wanted to do with my life. I’ve always had a plan. I’ve followed it and got where I wanted to be. I feel like now is the time for me to figure out where it is that God wants me. therin lies my problem. If God could send me that job opening I’m down. It’s just not that easy.
Thinking about it, I realized that God doesn’t want life to work like that. He wants his people to take risks on his account, risks that build our faith in him. If you aren’t sure about something, but are doing it with the intention of following God’s call in your life, how can that be the wrong choice? Think about Mother Theresa, someone who really had a clear mission, yet revealed in her diary that she wasn’t sure of her trust in God and her call. Seriously, if Mother Theresa had misgivings, what am I waiting for? Some of the things I’ve thought about joining/doing seem dangerous to people. The way I look at it I would rather die young doing something honorable and for God, than sitting in a comfortable life of monotony, wishing I was serving God. In my mind the latter isn’t really living to begin with.
So, I feel the call, but do I hear what it is? Do I have any idea what to do with myself? no. I do know that I need to take a risk on Jesus and trust in him. I’ll close with a passage from one of my favorite books

“The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of the pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.”
— Brennan Manning (Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God)

So, I felt compelled to find some good Mother Theresa quotes tonight and came across a quote that she said which speaks volumes:
“each one of them is Jesus in disguise”

HOW TRUE!? I’m sure she was speaking about the poor of calcutta, and using them in refrence to the poor and disadvantaged around the world. Although I think the old lady had more up her sleeve when she uttered this line. Not only does this quote cover those who we typically need to be reminded to treat better, as if they are Jesus, in this case the untouchables, but how about the people around you?
Daily I’ve been getting slowly drawn into the Boston crazy commuter schedule and it drives me crazy. I think because I am forced to be someone who I am not, being quiet for the entire commute, not looking or conversing with anyone, acting all uptight and fleeing to buy a coffee during each commute. Slowly my normally happy demeanor has evaporated for the stereotypical Bostonian impatience and disregard for others.
Well, what about these people? Jesus is in disguise here as well. He’s late for work, or yapping on his cell phone on the way home from work. I finally broke out of my forced Boston-train silence(it’s seriously crazy to be on a train and nobody talking…creepy actually) this morning and was pleasantly surprised not to have my head bitten off for disturbing someone, and actually had a nice discussion. There is hope out there, and I hope that I don’t ever give up on people despite what my preconceived notions are. I think lately, I’ve really judged people as this or that, when that’s really just wasting time. There is so much to learn from each person in this world and I hope that I can resurrect that love and wonder in how different God made each one of us, while treating everyone as if they were Jesus himself.

The Spiritual Life is first of all a life.
It is not merely something to be known and studied, it is to be lived. Like all life, it grows sick and dies when it is uprooted from its proper element. Grace is engrafted on our nature and the whole man is sanctified by the presence and action of the Holy Spirit.

-Thomas Merton from Thoughts in Solitude

So, this is one of my new favorite books. It’s just like the title describes: thoughts in solitude. I’ve been reading this very slowly and really am loving it. It seems liek this book is putting many thoughts that I have, into words, which is really cool, and inspires me to really try to seek God in solitude to pray things out more and deepen my relationship with him.
I read the above quote today and underlined it. I think constantly about how I balance my spiritual life with the rest of my life. Then, I realize that there shouldn’t be any separation. My spiritual life is just that, life. There is a lot of truth to what Merton says that it can get sick and die when we do not feed it properly. It speaks so well to the weeks when I forget to pencil God into my life and try to trudge along with my life and think that everything can go on the way it always has: My spiritual life is dying. It needs to be watered, nurtured and lived. Though, the truth is it goes through many times of “good health” and bad health” yet God’s grace is always there to transplant us when we have been thoroughly uprooted.

I’ve also felt really rushed lately. I almost feel that I’m perpetually late for something. NO matter what I’m doing I’m wasting time, cause I’m neglecting something else. I laugh each morning because I sit on the train and watch people get up to stand in aisles a few feet away, just to get off the train a bit faster. Then people sprint to catch incoming trains, with little regard for the people around them. Frequently I see people run into others as they dash for the train, and turn back to say “sorry” and continue on their way. Luckily I don’t condone or ascribe to this sprinter-commuterism. Although I think my unsettledness is a result of being surrounded by this rushed, busy and connected atmosphere. The more I feel rushed, the more I want to go camping, take a hike or read a book outside. Or just be quiet. I feel like running, rushing or sprinting is a side-effect of worrying, and to me worry isn’t worth our time(Luke12:22) .

When was the last time you were quiet? When you just listened? Listen for God and the things around you.

I’ve never been a quiet person. I always have music on, or thoughts flying through my head. People notice then when I’m quiet it’s just because I’m thinking so much. What if we just slowed down and experienced life? Notice the things that we see everyday but never take the time to recognize. Give thanks to God for his creativity, and for his constant love. Today I realized the building I always walk by was much larger than I thought and had some amazing architecture. I realized that the Rhododendrons are back and that the landscapers at Emmanuel need to something besides just tulips. And I saw a magnificent sunset on my way home. God moves in our lives daily, yet sometimes we get so busy to stop and realize what he is teaching us. Let go of noise, stop and be quiet to notice what he has created and what he wants to show you!

took a picture of this little guy outside my window after I wrote yesterday morning.

Alas sleep avoids me tonight…this morning. Woke up with serious heartburn and crazy thoughts about how awesome it will be to sit on the Green monster today. That was not enough to lure me back into me NyQuil induced stupor(yes I’m not feeling the greatest). So it was one of those times when you just lay there wondering what you are going to do with yourself. Of course the only thing I wanted was to go to sleep, though I’m raising a white flag to that idea. Had the urge to blog and actually have something worth writing about for the first time in months, Feel like I’ve had blogger’s block…is there such a thing?Though before I begin I just want to give a shout out to Puff’s plus lotion with the Scent of Vicks, and the person who got them for me. My nose thanks you!

vicks

So, I’ve had this on my mind for a while and It’s one of those things that has been bothering me, but I’ve never really found the words to express. No surprise there as I’m not the most articulate person ever. I’ve really been wondering how I can live my life daily for Jesus. It’s really a tough task. To get up every morning and put all of yourself towards someone that you have never physically seen or touched. It takes a lot of faith. So, I’m there, I see that it is a momentous task and that I am called to follow Jesus. I just wonder how far I go? I’ve never been overwhelmingly called to do anything. Though I believe, I don’t feel much in terms of spreading the gospel. In the old days people used to get out and just preach. Some people still do but that’s not me. So, I guess my thoughts are how far do we go? I know that Jesus told his disciples to sell all their possessions and minister to people. Some people do that. Some people keep it real in the business world as lights for Christ in corporate America. Missions, etc.
Not that I am any sort of a saint that is being under-utilized or something, but I feel like there is faith in Christ, which is obviously important and hard to get to, then there is active faith in Christ. Now the difference between faith and active faith is that active faith is faith in action(duh). It’s easy to read the bible everyday from home, or on the train, go to church and say that you are a Christian. I have the ridiculous feeling that God doesn’t want that at all. What good are a bunch of book reading nerds going to get done? Who is going to hear the gospel from people who have faith themselves yet don’t actually test that faith and tell others? I struggle with this.
I would love to say that I would give everything I have up to follow Jesus, but I don’t think that my faith is that deep. I am in awe of people that have put themselves out into the world, unknowing of what is in front of them, with nothing but the faith in their hearts. I think that is active faith, and I think that is as far as I want to go.

Thanks Max Lucado for your twitter last night, you weren’t the inspiration for this post, but you really helped me formulate my ideas. P.S Max, you’re never going to read this.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is a gift of God.” (eph. 2:8) what mercy!

I think it’s a lot for someone to suggest that they might know the heart of God. To me God is very mysterious. I can’t quite pinpoint all the reasons why I follow him and desire to know more about him but I do. I know that through reading the bible and prayer we can get closer to God, and those things can lead you to know him better. Or even experiences we have in life can set us on course that God lays in front of us. A mentor, sermon, friend or random stranger can affect us in ways that push us closer to God.

It’s a grand claim to say that you know what God wants for your life I think, because he is so mysterious. To claim that you know what God wants is a serious thing, because whatever that is, is you speaking for God.  I think people can act too hastily when referencing God as leading them to do something. Then again, it’s pretty tough to act on something when we don’t always hear an audible voice. I think the key word for following God’s heart for our lives is trust. We need to trust that what God has put on our hearts is the right thing and see it through to fruition.

Been a bit off track with the ole blogging. Recently it feels like there hasn’t been much in the ole Cranium worth blogging about. I don’t know what that’s about but I think I got some stuff to share.

It’s funny how unassuming, good things can become idols and really get us off track with our walk with God. I don’t want to be too harsh, and this might really come off as stupid but I think this applies to everyone’s life. There are those things that we need to do or have. You sit at work thinking about it all the time and aren’t satisfied until you have it. It’s something good, in small portions, or moderation but we get so into them that everything else goes out the window.

It sounds like I’m describing something terrible like drugs..yeah not talking about that. In fact in my situation I’m talking about a book. Now as a Christian I’ve always been told that reading the bible is good and that we need to do it everyday. I’ve been sort-of good about the daily thing, getting a bible that is layed out for the yearly reader has really helped keep me on track. Although with a new year I found myself in my least liked books of the bible. Is it ok to say that? Genesis, Exodus,Dueteronomy, Numbers Leviticus(or as I just made up Idontreadanyofthis). OK I think those stories are cool but theyre hardly engaging for me. So I wavered, and looked for a different book.
I had eyed this ATOR(a Team of Rivals) for months, years actually. In a history class, my teacher made a reference to it. Obama did when selecting his cabinet, and so did my teacher last semester. I got it for Christmas and turned to this behemoth of a book a month or so ago.

It knocked my socks off. Instantly I was hooked. It’s about history and Lincoln’s cabinet. Sounds boring to you, but to me it is a drug. The more I read the further I went. Eventually I pretty much ignored any other reading. Which is a bad thing. This book really took over my free time, I thought about it at work and ate lunch with the book open. If you look up hermit in the dictionary, you would see me reading this 900 page book.
Now reading isn’t a bad thing at all. I’m not saying that reading something other than the bible is a bad thing either. Moderation is key. The bible is the bread of life, and without reading it regularly, everything seems to go stale and you don’t even notice. I kept thinking to myself that once I finish the book I would get back on track reading the word and spending time with God(because honestly that got pushed out of my schedule in favor of this as well). The funny thing is though, that its 900 enormous pages and I read slow. I read for 3 hours a day and I still just read 30-40 pages.

So, one day while getting reading in the morning I stopped realized my predicament and did the unthinkable. I took it out of my bag. I know this is a dumb story but there are many things like this in our lives. Books, TV, Video Games, cooking, school…I dunno. There are tons of things in our lives that really take up more of our time than they really should. While they are good in small doses, they begin to define us if its all that we think about.
Think about God. The one thing/person who should dominate our thought lives. Our relationship with God should define our other relationships, not the other way around.

So i found a page that has been burned in my brain from the beginning of my Christian walk. This is from Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning and it’s all about gratefulness. Which I think is the very heart of what the Christian walk should be based on:

The foremost quality of a trusting disciple is gratefulness. Gr attitude arises from the lived perception, evaluation and acceptance of all of life as grace-as an undeserved and unearned gift from the Father’s hand. Such recognition is itself the work of grace, and acceptance of the gift is implicitly an acknowledgment of the Giver.
The grateful heart cries out in the morning , “Thank you, Lord for the gift of a new day.” And it continues to express its gratitude as the blessings unfold:

Thank you for the gift of loving and being loved, for the beauty of the animals on the farm and in the forest, for the sound of a waterfall, for the darting beauty of trout in the brook. Thank you for the deer leaping across the meadow, for fire and water and the magic of Monet, for the rainbow after a summer storm, for a woman with windblown hair striding down the hillside, and for a steaming cup of hot coffee. Thank you for the smile on the face of a little child licking a chocolate ice-cream cone, for the wagging tail of a dog and the touch of his cold nose against my face.
Thank you that I was born in that house on East 48th St in Brooklyn and not in the house next door, for had my birthplace been different, I might never have met Jesus and the many beautiful people I know through him.
Thank You for the four seasons, for each glorious day of sunshine, and most of all the gift of the Unsetting Sun, Jesus Christ, who by his death and resurrection has set us on the road to glory.

I got this forwarded to me from a friend and thought it was a great prayer. Think about the uniqueness of us all and the gifts that God has endowed us with. You gifts. Use them today!

St. Theresa’s Prayer: May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.’